


Part of You Stays with Me

by serohtonin



Series: Lights Out [7]
Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Heavy Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Rimming, Semi-Public Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 07:56:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2765543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serohtonin/pseuds/serohtonin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren and Chris fell apart about six months ago. But will they fall back together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Part of You Stays with Me

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song ["Stick"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s_E1wV2sr-A) by Ingrid Michaelson. I do not own the rights to that, nor do I own any of the people involved in this. Any of the relationships mentioned herein are a product of my own imagination.

_Fall 2014_

It's been over six months since they broke up but he still can't get Chris out of his head.

It's the night before they're slated to start filming season six, and Darren decides to get completely wasted to cope.

He knows it's unprofessional; he also knows it'll be the first time he'll really see Chris again.

When they talked on the phone in the middle of summer, Chris admitted he still had feelings, which was progress at least.

It gutted Darren all over again, however, when he talked of a future they might never have, with an apartment in New York and a family complete with children and pets.

Darren knows they could be happy there, away from all the bullshit.

Despite all this, Chris hasn't made an effort to see him and instead has been seeing someone else since at least June.

Darren isn't really dating, more like fucking anyone who shows the slightest interest. He's lost count of how many partners he's had, but his bed hasn't been empty.

Tonight will be no exception, despite the early call time.

He flirts with a blue-eyed man at the bar and almost feels alive again, but his traitorous mind brings up memories of flirting with Chris at bars when they were on tour three years ago.

He remembers Chris smiling at him over shots, and then kissing him and touching him on the dance floor.

That was what started their beautiful, difficult journey into a relationship.

Yes, it decayed at times, but Darren was determined to keep them together, until he couldn't anymore.

Chris was the one who made him leave, with a flimsy explanation of how Darren was too publicly affectionate.

Then he also remembers how Chris had so cruelly denied their love as if it were some trashy fling, which still causes Darren's blood to boil.

How could he dismiss three years of heartfelt confessions, promises, and fighting to keep their relationship afloat?

Their love was real, and it still is, for Darren at least, so he needs to drown it out with alcohol and a warm body.

Then maybe he can steel himself for facing Chris.

\----

After a bleary-eyed Darren drives onto the lot, he realizes he's never been more thankful for hair styling and a makeup team to mold him into someone he's not.

He can't stand being himself right now, especially when he runs into Chris in the hair and makeup trailer.

"It's a little sad, isn't it?" one of the hairstylist comments as she begins her work on Darren.

"Huh?" Darren addresses her, trying to keep his eyes open.

"This is the last first day. You guys are broken up. It's the beginning of the end."

Darren glances over at Chris, who's stoically staring straight ahead as he gets his makeup done.

"Who told you that?" Darren asks her.

"I didn't know for sure. It was just a rumor going around. I don't get the scripts like you do, Dare, but thanks for confirming." She laughs. "Normally you're smoother than that."

"Must be losing my touch," Darren remarks, taking a deep breath when he realizes she's talking about his onscreen relationship. "Blaine must be, too. I don't know. Losing the love of his life and all that."

She sprays Darren's hair and shakes her head. "He must've done somethin' really horrible, then."

"Or maybe Kurt did. You'll have to watch the show," Darren says, with a hint of playfulness disguising the hurt that still lingers for his on and offscreen love affairs.

At least they're both broken.

Chris must sense the edge to his tone, because he audibly coughs and gets up from his chair after that. 

The stylist looks between Chris and Darren. "You guys know but you're not gonna tell me. You bastards."

"You're not getting any more out of us," Chris pipes up, and then nods to everyone, even Darren. "See you on set."

Darren's heart flies to his throat at the simple acknowledgement. Then he allows himself to stare for a second.

Chris looks even more beautiful than the last time he saw him, his swept up hair highlighting his strong cheekbones, and his Kurt outfit highlighting all the right features of his physique.

Darren can't help recalling Chris' laughs and moans as Darren dedicated himself to exploring each and every part.

Before his brain can go into further detail, Chris turns on his heel and leaves.

"He's right," Darren confirms with a gulp. "I'm not spilling anything else."

"So, are you gonna spill that you have a thing for him?"

"What? I don't understand what you mean. I am single, and he-he's got someone."

"Doesn't mean you don't want him," she reasons, standing behind him. "I've seen you guys interact for a couple of years. I saw the way you looked at him just now. Say something before it's too late."

Darren meets her eyes in the mirror while the makeup artist starts on him.

"I'll think about it."

He silently sits there as they finish, burying the fresh hope that floods through him at her statement.

Maybe some feelings never go away, but Darren is definitely going to work on destroying them before they destroy him.

\----

It's painfully strange to be back on the McKinley set after abandoning it so long ago, especially because he thought Blaine and Kurt had long been past revisiting their roots and that the glee club had been dismantled.

But as Darren walks into the choir room, he still feels the ghosts of when he became a regular and Chris would sneak glances at him like a lovestruck teenager.

Darren would blush and smirk at him, feeling as if he were really back in high school again, with an awesome new relationship and a sweet part in the school play.

Those early days tug at his heart now that he can see the finish line with this job, and now that he passed that mark long ago with Chris.

Between the emotional nostalgia and the hangover still nagging at him, he hopes he can make it through this day. 

Those hopes dwindle, however, when he catches sight of Chris.

He aches to reach out and touch Chris, whether by casually squeezing his hip or brushing against his shoulder.

He stops short, even when Chris approaches him on the set, still standing a few steps away from him.

They're waiting for the scene to start, where Darren is going to perform a song with a band.

He can't bear to speak with Chris, especially as Lea joins them, so Darren picks up a guitar lying next to one of the chairs and plays a familiar soulful ballad.

 _["You know I laughed](http://youtu.be/NRVqGVtXNFc?t=20s) when you left. Now I only, only hurt myself,"_ Darren sings, looking at Chris. _"Whoa, whoa, bring it to me, bring your sweet love, bring it on home to me..."_

Darren knows he's still hurting, even after a few months of numbing the pain. Maybe that's why he chose this song, especially when Chris is here, with realization dawning over him.

Chris' eyes widen and his face blanches. 

Chris has to know that this is the song Darren sang to him when they danced in the kitchen during their first real date.

Especially on the next verse about giving him everything he could want, and the more painful one after that:

 _"You know I'll always be your slave, ohh, 'til I'm dead, and I'm buried in my grave,"_ he croons passionately and loudly strums.

Chris is frozen to the spot, watching Darren finish.

Darren sits there, guitar on his lap, when Chris finally speaks.

"How-how have you been?"

"Managing. Thanks for the concern," Darren snaps. "You?"

"I'm okay. Listen, I--"

"Why?" Darren wonders. "It's not like--Y'know what? I'm not having this conversation here."

"Later, maybe?"

He glances over at Lea, who looks sympathetic and it almost breaks him.

But Darren doesn't commit either way.

"Maybe," Darren answers. "Let's just do the scene."

Chris' face falls, but he quickly schools it into something more neutral, preparing to get to work.

"Fine," Chris says coolly. "I deserve it, but please reconsider."

Darren doesn't have time to answer before they have to take their marks and start filming.

He wants to cave, at least to hear whatever fucked up explanation Chris might have for pushing Darren out of his life.

It's definitely not because he wants to be alone with Chris.

He mulls it over the rest of the day and during a moment of down time, he texts Chris:

_Fine. Come over tomorrow whenever you're done working._

He hears a beep and watches a smile creep across Chris' face as he looks at his phone.

Chris mouths a "Thank you" at him from across the set.

Darren wants to smile back, but he can't, not when Chris has hurt him so much, and Darren might be letting Chris hurt him all over again.

\----

The day after that, Darren is still in his pajamas, ready to have a quick breakfast and shower, when there's a knock on the door. 

He finds Chris on the other side, standing straight and tall, his hair unstyled and flopping onto his forehead as it usually is before work.

Darren fights the reflex to brush it away.

Instead, he simply says, "Hey."

"Hi."

They stand there awkwardly for a long moment, when Darren remembers how he pulled Chris into this very entrance so many times, greeting him with kisses and warm touches.

Often they wouldn't even make it into the bedroom.

Darren clears his throat, shaking away the past. "Come in. Must be kinda chilly out there."

"Meh, I don't have much muscle but I'm sure I'd survive at least a few more minutes," Chris jokes with a small grin and steps inside.

Darren closes the door and surveys Chris' strong, lean frame, his long-sleeved henley stretching over his back.

He misses waking up in the morning and brushing his lips against the spot between Chris' shoulder blades.

Darren sighs. "Yeah, probably. Anyway, I didn't expect you so early. I thought you were coming after work."

Chris shrugs. "My call time was a little later today, so I figured I'd stop by. Clear the air before we have to work together again."

Darren relaxes his shoulders, trying to remain neutral and unaffected. "Fine. Fair enough. Guess we should sit down for this."

Chris follows Darren into the living room and they sit a careful distance away from each other.

Darren stares down at his hands. "You wanted to talk. So talk."

"I've been going over and over what I should say to you, and no words seem good enough to make up for the way I treated you. I guess I'll start with I'm sorry," Chris tells him.

"Sorry? You're _sorry?_ That's all you can say after kicking me out of your bed and pretending I didn't matter to you these last few months?"

"I-- I don't know what else you want from me."

Darren clenches his jaw and then glares at Chris. "I wanna know why you called me in the middle of summer and told me how unhappy you've been without me."

"Darren, I--You called _me,_ or do you not remember that part?"

"Yeah, but you contacted me first. You texted me to see how I was doing after months of radio silence, so of course I couldn't resist calling you after that. I needed to hear your voice, even if you were gonna reject me again."

He takes a deep breath then, trying not to let a wave of grief drown him. 

Chris scoots closer, his face softening as he reaches his hand out toward Darren. "That was the last thing I wanted to do, but we can't--We were never going to last."

Darren stays where he is, despite how wrong it feels to not touch him. "Because you shut me down, and then you broke us up with some dumb excuse about how I'm too much of a show off when it comes to loving you. Well, guess what? If I could, I'd tell everyone just how absolutely head over heels I've been for you, probably since the first day I met you, but you're important to me. So I never said it out loud in public."

Chris raises an eyebrow and looks at him with disbelief in his eyes. "Yet you let everyone believe you have a girlfriend while you make heart eyes at me the whole time?"

"Why do you always bring that up? It's business. I--"

"Don't say another word. You don't have to justify your choices to me anymore. Maybe I should go."

"Then why did you come here? To ease your conscience for treating me like shit?"

"No." Chris grabs Darren's wrist. "I could see that you've been hurting and I wanted to--"

The anger flowing through Darren's veins starts to melt when he notices the sincerity in Chris' face, but he still snaps. "Wanted to what? Rub salt in my wounds? Let me go."

"I can't. I want to, but I can't."

"Don't say things like that. Please, just go."

Chris loosens his grip and spits out, "Why? So you keep screwing anything that moves? That's-You're not okay."

"So? I'm not yours anymore. I'm not anyone's, so you can fuck off. You don't get to judge me for how I'm repairing what you broke."

"Dare--"

"No! You can't just move on and come back with a half-assed apology, expecting me to let you in again like you didn't destroy me. You destroyed us, and for what? A shot at something comfortable, something easy? I never thought you would become someone who played it safe."

"I'm not. Being here with you is definitely not safe." Chris' hand covers one of Darren's own. "Because I'm supposed feel like I've moved on and seeing the pain I've caused you firsthand isn't helping me do that. That's why I've really been avoiding you. When you called a few months ago, that was my moment of weakness. I swore I wouldn't have one again, but I can't stand knowing that I broke your heart. All I wanna do is fix it, because I still care about you."

Chris squeezes Darren's hand and Darren remembers Chris comforting him through long nights of exhaustion and heartache when they had to play out Kurt and Blaine's breakup. It was fictional, though Darren couldn't help bringing the emotions home for once. Chris had held him and kissed him until he reminded him that they were real and they mattered.

It was the first time Chris had told him he loved him.

"You're only ripping open an old wound that I am desperately trying to heal," Darren finally says. "Let me do this my way."

"Fine." His eyes stray to Darren's mouth. "One last kiss goodbye?"

"What? Why?"

"Because I didn't give you that before and it was so, so wrong. Just one kiss. Please."

Chris' eyes are pleading and Darren knows it's genuine, unlike the lies Chris told to make him leave.

Ultimately Darren gives in, kissing Chris' mouth and realizing that _this_ is the taste he's been chasing the last few months.

Chris returns it softly at first, and then deepens it, which Darren welcomes wholeheartedly.

As one of Chris' hand slides along the outside of Darren's thigh, Darren grabs his other hand and pushes Chris down against the couch, letting his lips trail down to Chris' neck.

"This doesn't--uh," Chris struggles, "this doesn't mean we're back together. I just--"

Darren's heart sinks with the knowledge, but still, he pins Chris' wrists above his head and mouths at Chris' neck like a man addicted.

"Don't--No marks," Chris reminds him.

It only makes Darren want to bite down harder and mark his territory.

But he can't because Chris isn't his.

Maybe he never was.

Still, he keeps going, losing himself in Chris' familiar taste and quiet moans.

Chris thrusts against him roughly and Darren grinds down in response.

Then Chris breaks free, grabbing Darren's face and bringing their lips together once more.

Darren's body and his heart are ready to take it even further, his hands dragging down the front of Chris' shirt and underneath the hem.

Darren pulls away to catch his breath and Chris murmurs his name in that familiar way that Darren's missed so much.

"Dare, I-I have to go."

Darren lays his palm against Chris' rapid heartbeat and nuzzles at the crook of his neck. "C'mon."

"Ahh," Chris groans, hot and hard against him. "I'm gonna be late again."

"Never stopped you before."

"Darren," he scolds once more. "I don't wanna--I should go."

Darren sighs and mumbles, "Sure. Whatever you say," but he doesn't move for a few moments, selfishly enjoying the feel of Chris underneath him.

Then he climbs off of Chris and stands up.

As Chris joins him, Darren asks the question that's been lingering on his tongue since the middle of this conversation.

"Did you ever love me?"

"Yeah, I--Yes, of course. I, um, I'll see you later, okay?" Chris frowns and kisses him on the cheek before leaving.

Darren nods, frozen to the spot until he hears the door shut and Chris is gone once again.

Then Darren crumbles to the floor, tears finally falling as he hangs his head. When he wipes his eyes with his sleeve and picks himself up, he walks to the kitchen, intending to finish his breakfast.

Instead, he opens one of the upper cabinets and breaks out his bottle of scotch. Ironically, it's the one that Chris gave him in February for his birthday, just a few months before they had ended their relationship.

He takes one gulp straight from the bottle, washing the taste of Chris out of his mouth, and then one more swig for good measure.

He figures there are only about two or three shots worth of alcohol left, so he chugs the rest of it down.

He slams the bottle against the counter, blinking back more tears, when the room begins to tilt on its axis.

He knows he should shower and get ready for work, but he's not in any condition to face the man who keeps tearing him apart.

So after calling someone from the set to let them know he won't be there, he stumbles over to a kitchen chair and stays there, resting his head down on the table until his phone beeps and vibrates exactly five times.

His head still throbs, but he checks his phone anyway, noticing all his missed texts, two from Lea, one from Chord, one from Ryan, and one from Chris.

He decides to answer the frantic messages from Lea and ignore all the rest.

He assures her that he's okay and he'll talk to her later if she's up to it after shooting all day.

He carefully rises, taking his phone with him as he drags himself back to bed.

A little while later, he's drifting off to sleep when his phone goes off again with two more messages from Lea:

_Are you sure you're okay??_

_I'll come over later, I promise <333_

He smiles at her concern for him shining through, even in the form of words on a screen.

 _Thanks. Cool. Let me know when you're on your way,_ he manages to reply, thanks to autocorrect, a function that actually doesn't hinder him for once.

He knows he should do something more productive, like writing music or reading scripts, but he returns to resting his aching head and heart.

\----

He doesn't wake up until he hears loud knocking on his front door.

He opens up to Lea, who's clutching a six pack of beer and offering a warm hug. 

"Hey, honey." She pulls back with a frown. "So you're still in sweats? Bad sign."

"Don't fucking remind me. Thanks for stopping by, though."

He kisses her cheek and then turns away, walking toward the kitchen as she starts speaking again.

"Well, it's not like you to not show up. The last time was--"

"Was about my dad, I know. It's nothing like that. He's better now."

She sets the beer on the kitchen table and looks around. "What's up, then?"

Darren stands in front of the sink, not looking at her. "He-he stopped by today, before work. Chris, I mean."

"I can tell by the empty scotch bottle that it didn't go so well."

He laughs wryly and spins to face her. "Oh, it was fucking spectacular, Lea. He actually tried to explain himself this time. It ended the same way, which I shouldn't be surprised by at this point."

She raises an eyebrow and puts her hand on her hip. "Did you listen to him?"

"Which part? The part where he said he still loves me or the one where he still hates my choices and we're never getting back together?"

"I'm sure he has his reasons for both. Did he really say never?"

Darren comes closer, pulling a beer from the pack and examining it. "I thought you were more of a wine chick."

"I'm a whatever-the-situation-calls-for chick. Stop avoiding my question."

He pops open a bottle, taking a long swig from it. "Are you going to drink with me or not?"

She sighs. "I can't let you drink alone. Do you have a bottle opener?"

He grabs a bottle for her and opens it with his shirt. "Here ya go."

After they clink their drinks together and both take a sip, she smacks his arm. "I'm going to get the truth out of you, Darren Criss."

"Why does it matter?"

"Oh my God, I've never known you to be this hopeless."

Darren shrugs. "Maybe you don't know me as well as you thought."

Lea drinks some more. "Don't take it out on me. I'm trying to be your friend here."

"Sorry for being an asshole." He runs his hands through his messy curls in frustration. "I just--I don't know what to do."

"First, we're going to sit, and then we're going to talk about it."

"What is there to talk about? I don't think he wants to see me."

Lea pulls out a chair and sits at the table. "So? Make him see you, if that's what you still want."

"I do, but I shouldn't. He has no intention of--"

"But he still loves you, right?"

"That's what I said." He sits on the table in front of her, sipping on his beer.

"And you love him?"

Darren nods. "Of course, but--"

"But if you think there's something worth saving, go save it while you can."

Lea pats his knee sympathetically and he takes another sip.

"Maybe there is. I don't know. The only thing I do know is that he-he kissed me today," Darren confesses, "and I'm a fucking coward because I couldn't see him after that. I couldn't do my fucking job, so I got drunk instead."

She frowns again. "For what it's worth, he couldn't concentrate very well either. Obviously I don't know all the specifics of what happened, but if you're both this messed up, you should figure something out."

"I didn't know he was hurting. He wouldn't even fucking tell me until now. If he really cared, he wouldn't have let me, let _us,_ go through all this hell for months. He would have talked to me."

"Sounds like he did. Maybe you weren't listening."

Darren clenches his jaw and grips the beer bottle tight. "He's been cold and selfish, not to mention dating someone else. Forgive me if I don't exactly want to hear what he has to say."

"Those are all fair points, but if you don't let go of all this residual pain, he'll slip away again. You might slip away too. Do you want that?"

He considers her words and finishes his beer. "Right now, I want another drink."

\----

After a few more beers, Darren passes out on his bed once more and Lea crashes on the couch until morning.

He bids her goodbye with a hug and a promise to shower.

Then he vows to himself to show up at work today. He can't delay the production schedule, or his personal issues, any longer.

So after putting on the armor of Blaine, he almost feels ready to face Kurt, and Chris.

But then he sees him, talking and laughing with one of the crew, like nothing happened yesterday and Darren's anger burns all over again.

Chris looks at him, a serious expression suddenly gracing his face as he crosses the choir room set toward Darren.

Chris stands in front of where Darren sits in a chair, greeting him with a simple "Hey." 

"Hi," Darren says, looking down at his phone and pretending to text.

"Are you alright?" Chris whispers, leaning toward him.

Darren briefly looks up to answer, "Just peachy. At least you were the one who left this time."

"Well, at least I gave you an explanation and an apology."

"If you were also trying to give me closure, that was a pretty fucked up way of doing it, Chris."

"I know. I--" Chris rests a hand over one of Darren's own. "I'm sorry."

Darren wants to shrug him off again, but the touch feels so welcoming he can't resist letting it linger.

"I believe you, Chris, but that doesn't make the situation better."

"Come to my trailer later?" Chris suggests in a low voice. "Maybe we can talk some more?"

He remembers what Lea said about letting Chris slip away, but more importantly, about letting himself slip away. If he doesn't at least try, he's heading for a bottle and a stranger's bed.

"Alright. Let's go to work."

Chris squeezes Darren's hand and pulls him up out of the chair to stand with him.

When Darren notices Chris' soft smile and bright gaze, it reminds him vaguely of warm nights in hotel rooms where they became wrapped up in each other.

He suddenly feels sick with how desperately he wants that back.

But he swallows it down and gets through the scene.

At least it works, as Kurt confronts a disgraced Blaine for leaving New York and returning to Ohio.

"I don't understand how you could just leave," Kurt wonders.

"I don't understand how you could let me, after everything we've been through. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together, _Kurt,"_ Darren remembers to add. "That meant something to me. _You_ meant something to me."

"You ran from me. You're always running, Blaine," he snaps. "The minute it gets rough--"

"I was tired. I wanted you to fight for me. I can't always be the one holding us up because you can never admit when you're wrong."

"Well, I'm here. I didn't drag myself back here to help out my old glee club. I came back for you."

They stand there silently for a moment, according to the script.

Darren acts stunned at the confession but steps closer, taking Kurt's hand. He almost breaks character, contemplating whether or not Kurt's last statement rings true for Chris.

They can't; they have to be coincidence.

Darren can't let himself hope, but Blaine has to.

So he throws himself back into Blaine, who finds that old spark in his ex-lover's eyes.

Naturally, after that, his vision narrows to Kurt's mouth, which hangs open enticingly.

Blaine is with someone else now, but that doesn't stop him from drawing even closer.

He could never deny Kurt anything for too long.

He whispers Kurt's name, ready to lose himself to his old feelings.

Then, a student bursts through the door, interrupting them before they can act further.

Darren surfaces, breathing heavily and staring at Chris.

Darren swallows, his thumb trailing down the bow of Chris' mouth.

"Okay, guys," the director's voice breaks through his haze. "Wow. That was--wow. I think this take's the one. Darren, you're back in five for the next setup."

Darren's hand falls away and he clears his throat, returning to his natural tone. "I, um, I'll see you later."

"Okay," Chris say quietly, exiting the set.

Darren watches him leave, like yesterday, and he wants to run after him, or run for a drink.

But he can't do either; instead, he pushes down both urges and finishes the rest of his scenes, waiting for another confrontation of his own.

\----

Darren quickly changes out of his costume but doesn't bother with washing the product out of his hair before he rushes over to Chris' trailer.

He doesn't know what to expect from The Apology: Part Two other than more justifications for Chris' behavior since they wrapped filming on season five.

Yet he knows that his feelings for Chris still exist and that maybe this will help him finally let go and get his shit together.

So he takes a deep breath and knocks on the door, ready for another discussion.

Relief washes over Chris' face when he answers. "Hey. Come in."

"Hi." Darren gives him a small wave and sticks his hands in his pockets, resisting the impulse to hug or touch him at all.

They sit down on the loveseat, the outside of their thighs barely touching.

Darren swallows, a sudden memory of Chris on his lap in this very spot, kissing and grinding against him, desperate to get him off during their lunch break.

They laughed when a production assistant banged on the door, informing them how late they already were, but they kept at it until they finished ten minutes after that.

Now, he wonders if Chris has had _him_ in here.

Darren ignores the jealousy burning through him at that and blurts out, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Dare."

Darren twists his body around, facing him. "Really? Because you acted like you didn't give a shit at all. I pleaded with you to talk to me for months, and you gave me nothing. I had to hear from our friends and fucking social media how happy you were without me."

"You know not all of that is true, and I had to ignore you so you'd move on," Chris reasons, resting his hand on Darren's knee. "It was the only way."

"Bullshit." He wrenches Chris' hand off of him. "I didn't want to move on. I wanted you. I still want you."

"I-I can't. I'm happy now," Chris says, not meeting Darren's eyes.

"Oh, is that why you kissed me yesterday? Because you're so goddamn happy? And you're through with me?"

Chris shakes his head. "I thought I was. I wanted to be, but I can't stay away from you. I don't want to anymore."

Darren's resolve falters as he watches Chris' lip quiver. "Then you shouldn't have made me leave. I fought for you, for _us."_

"I know, and I'm a complete idiot. I thought you'd be okay without me. I was wrong."

"Yeah, you were." He cups Chris' cheek, wiping away a tear with his thumb.

Chris licks his lips. "Dare."

Darren leans in, breathing against Chris' mouth. "Don't make me leave."

"I won't."

Darren kisses him, tasting the salt from his tears and it vaguely reminds him of the first night they kissed three years ago, after downing tequila and chasing it with table salt.

Chris' mouth is more familiar now, but Darren still doesn't think he'll ever get enough.

Chris quickly returns it, as he always has, and his hand slides up Darren's thigh.

Darren sucks at Chris' upper lip and then his lower one.

When Chris' mouth falls open, Darren traces the seam with his tongue and feels his arousal stirring.

Darren's other hand gropes against the front of Chris' jeans, finding Chris semi-hard as well.

Then Darren breaks away to mouth down Chris' neck, settling on the scar at the base.

"Ugh, Dare. Don't stop."

Like yesterday, he slowly lowers Chris down onto his back but carefully leaves a sliver of space between their lower halves.

"Can I--? Will you let me?" Darren murmurs.

"Yes," Chris answers without hesitation. "Touch me."

Darren unzips Chris' pants in a haze, shoving down his underwear and grasping at his cock. "Did you miss this?" 

"Y-yes, unhh, Darren. Fuck. C'mere," Chris pleads.

Darren rises up to meet his mouth, roughly working his hand up and down. Chris' tongue slips into Darren's mouth, and his fingers dig into Darren's lower back, pulling him closer.

Darren feels his erection growing, pressing into Chris' thigh, so he rubs against him a bit awkwardly while working him over. "You're so gorgeous. Want you so much. Always want you," he whispers against Chris' lips.

"Me too."

Darren pulls his hand away briefly and licks it, watching the blissed out look in Chris' eyes, a sight he never thought he'd see again.

He almost wants to cry in relief.

Instead, he returns to jerking Chris off, burying his face in the crook of Chris' neck and grinding against him.

"Wanna," Chris breathes out, "wanna see your face."

Darren nuzzles at his neck and kisses along his jaw before honoring Chris' request.

Chris smiles at him so beautifully and it almost makes up for all the moments they've spent apart.

Darren smiles back, his thumb grazing the head of Chris' cock. "C'mon, babe. Wanna see you too."

With a few more strokes, Chris spills over Darren's fist, crying out Darren's name.

It spurs him on further as he desperately thrusts against him until he comes in his pants like a fucking teenager.

Chris kisses his temple sweetly and picks through Darren's curls, like he's done so many times before. "I love you. You have to know that."

Darren swallows. "I know. Love you too."

They lay there silently for a bit, until Darren breaks the silence.

"So, uh, where do we go from here?"

"I don't know."

\----

Darren is better for the next couple of weeks after that, returning to being a social drinker and hooking up with people less often than he used to. His relationship with Chris is better as well, even if they're not officially back together.

They spend more time with each other, sometimes talking and other times making out, like when they first started dating.

But they don't talk about the future, or about Chris still being with someone else, until Darren brings it up.

"Are you scared?" he asks one day after work, nestling himself against Chris' side while they're in bed together, fully clothed. "About all this ending?"

"You mean the show, or--or us?"

"Both, I guess."

Darren presses his palm to Chris' chest and he feels a deep sigh escaping from him.

"Honestly, I don't know. I mean, the show has given me so much. Everything, really, but I'm kind of relieved to be near the finish line, so to speak," Chris explains, petting the back of Darren's head. "What about you?"

Darren sighs too, disappointed at Chris' lack of mentioning their relationship, but he doesn't want another confrontation so he answers as best as he can. "I'm not exactly in a rush to get there, man. The whole journey has been pretty awesome."

"I'd have to agree. Hey." Chris nudges Darren's chin until he looks up at him. "I'm still trying to figure out what's going on here, okay? I know I'm a mess. We're a mess, and I screwed up."

"Well, I have a pretty easy solution for you. Break up with him."

"It's not that simple, Dare."

"Yes, it is." Darren straddles him and frames Chris' face with his hands. "Whose bed are you in right now?"

"Darren--"

He rests his forehead against Chris' and kisses his mouth. "Tell me."

"Y-yours," he whispers. "But--Ahh."

Darren nips at the spot behind Chris' ear. "Seems like you've made your decision."

"You're bribing me with sex."

"'M not," Darren says, one hand reaching underneath Chris' shirt. "I'm just reminding you how good we are together."

"I-I already know. I've always known."

He lifts up Chris' shirt and kisses down his chest, pausing at the waistband of his sweats. Jealousy swirls through him when he asks, "Oh, is that what you tell yourself when you're with him? Does that make you feel better when he's sucking you off?" Darren bites his lip and peels Chris' pants down his hips. "When he's fucking you?"

"Dare," he warns breathily.

Darren spits on his palm and looks darkly at Chris as he wraps his hand around Chris' cock. "No, I wanna know. Did you realize how much you screwed up before or after you started letting him inside you?"

"I don't--He doesn't--Please."

Darren leans over him, his mouth brushing against Chris' own. "He doesn't what? Doesn't fuck you?" He works Chris over and kisses down his neck. "It's only fair to ask where you've been, what you've been doing all these months."

"I should, unhh, I should say the same. Are you clean?"

"If you mean STD-free, then yes. I got tested a couple months ago and I've been safe. I'm not that stupid, Chris."

Chris plants his feet flat on the bed and bends his knees. "Okay, I--I trust you."

"Not enough to be with me," he mutters.

"Ugh, shut up. I told you I'd figure it out. Are we going to have sex or not?"

"If we can stop fighting." His hand stills and he kisses Chris' shoulder through his shirt. "Sorry I'm being a dick. I just--I love you so much, and I want this to work so badly."

"You have every right to be pissed at me and at the situation, Dare. I brought us to this place and I wanna make up for it, but I don't know how yet."

"Alright. I'll try to give you some time."

"Hey, look at me."

Darren obliges him and lets Chris continue.

"For the record, I haven't let anyone else in like that since--since you."

He stares wide-eyed for a moment and kisses Chris on the mouth. "Would you--Would you let me again?"

"With protection, yes. Maybe you should get tested again."

Darren pulls back, his recklessness finally catching up with him. "To be sure, you mean?"

Chris nods. "I believe your word, but we both know how long it takes for stuff to show up."

"Fine. You're right. Are you--?"

"Yeah. I'm okay. I've only been with one person, so..." Chris trails off.

"Right." Darren rolls off of him with a sigh. "So, no sex?"

"For a little while, but there are ways around that." Chris grins, climbing on top of him. "I wouldn't mind exploring all the possibilities."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Uh huh."

\----

A week later, Lea sneaks up on Darren and Chris huddled close together on a bench during lunch.

"How are my two favorite boys?" She asks, standing behind them as she places one arm around Chris and the other around Darren. "You look awfully close."

"We were, until you showed up," Darren chimes in.

Chris looks up at her. "We're alright, Lea. Just working out some stuff."

"Does this stuff include getting back together, perhaps? Hmm?"

"Like I said, we're working out some stuff," Chris repeats.

"Ooh, does anyone else know? Like, you know who?" Lea raises an eyebrow at Chris.

"You mean his boyfriend?" Darren comments, eyes shifting from Lea to Chris. "No, he doesn't know a thing. I think Chris would like to keep it that way."

Chris pointedly glares at Darren. "You and me are gonna talk about that, without any third parties present. No offense, Lea."

"None taken. It's a delicate situation. I get that. In any case, I'm glad you guys are on speaking terms again." She smiles at Darren. "Just in time."

"In time for what?" Darren wonders.

"A lot of the old cast is coming back. We're having a little get-together at my place this weekend to celebrate. You both better come."

Darren knows that a 'little get-together' at Lea's house often turns into a major blowout, especially when everyone from the show gets involved.

"I, for one, wouldn't miss it, Lea. I bet it'll be fucking amazing," Darren tells her, looking at Chris.

"Sure. I'll check to see if I'm free, hon," Chris says.

"Great!" Lea kisses Chris' cheek, and then Darren's. "Be careful, Dare."

"I will. I'm doing better now."

"'Kay. See you back on set, babes." 

With that, she spins on her heel and leaves.

"What did she mean by that?" Chris asks, gently laying his hand on Chris' thigh.

"Just looking out for me. You know how she is."

"I do. I'll look out for you too, if I can make it."

Darren smiles tightly, thinking he wouldn't need that kind of protection if he and Chris had never broken up. "Thanks. That means a lot to me."

Darren hopes Chris understands just how much, and that Chris doesn't bring any unwanted guests to the upcoming shindig.

\----

Thankfully, Chris doesn't.

Darren's temporarily distracted from his conversation with Harry when he spots Chris walking through Lea's front door, alone.

Darren watches Chris mill about the party, greeting everyone, and then he excuses himself, making his way toward him.

"Hey. I missed you."

"It's only been two days, Dare," Chris chuckles.

Darren takes a sip from his drink. "I'm allowed to say things like that again, right?"

Chris glances around the room before answering, "Um, I don't know. I kinda missed you too, though."

Darren grabs Chris' side with his free hand and presses in close. "Can I, uh, show you just how much?"

"Can I get a drink first?"

"'Kay. Fine." Darren squeezes Chris' hip and then pulls back. "I've already had a couple so I got a head start on you this time."

He leaves out that it was because he was preparing himself for seeing Chris with _him. ___

"Shouldn't I be getting a head start on you? I still can't handle my liquor as well as you."

"Years of practice, babe." The pet name slips out before Darren considers how inappropriate it might be.

Chris clears his throat. "Lead the way. No tequila this time."

Darren takes his hand, bringing him to the kitchen, where various alcohols are laid out on the counter. "Aww, but you're always so fun on tequila. The tour, that time at Naya's."

Chris eyes the various bottles, choosing a slim blue one and another one of Diet Coke near the end of the bunch. "Which time are you talking about?"

"A couple years ago, when we just started dating."

Chris pauses, gripping the vodka bottle tightly. "Oh, that time. I'm a little fuzzy, but I do remember how you couldn't keep your hands off me."

Darren's hand slides across the small of Chris' back. "Who could blame me? I just got back from New York, and all I could think about was being with you, kinda like right now."

"Dare, n-not in front of everyone."

Darren steps behind him and brushes his lips against Chris' shirt collar. "That's almost exactly what you said then, right before we snuck away. We did much worse than this where everyone could see."

Chris pours his drink into a plastic cup, mixing in more vodka than soda. "I-I remember."

"So you remember sitting on my lap, while I touched you and kissed you, in plain view of all our friends, and even some strangers?"

"Dare," Chris breathes out after swallowing down some of his drink.

"You like it, don't you? Knowing they might be watching." Darren finishes his own drink and puts it down, letting his fingers graze Chris' stomach. "While I'm whispering about how badly I wanna get you off."

Chris groans, wordlessly pushing his ass back against Darren's front.

"How I wanna taste you again so fucking badly," Darren continues, "and how I know you want me to, even if you shouldn't, 'cause you're still with him, right?"

"Y-yes."

His hand slips under Chris' shirt. "Because that gets you off too, being in control. Having me right where you want me, whenever you say. It's what you've always wanted. That's why you still haven't told him."

"N-no, I haven't. I--"

"It's okay. I mean, actually it's not, but he's not here, so I don't give a fuck. Technically, you're making your choice right now, aren't you?"

Chris studies Darren's face, murmuring against his lips, "Let's go somewhere."

"You wanna christen someone else's bathroom?"

"She has a guest room. We can go in there."

"Ahh, you're brilliant."

Chris grins as he turns toward him. "I know. Now let's get outta here."

Darren lets Chris drag him down the hallway until they reach their destination and close the door behind them.

"God, I have been dying to kiss you since I got here," Chris confesses as Darren presses him against the door.

Darren leans in to mouth at Chris' neck, but Chris grabs Darren's face and kisses his lips.

"What part of 'I wanna kiss you' don't you get?" Chris grunts out.

"Like I said, always in control," Darren tells him, unzipping Chris' pants.

"You love it or you wouldn't be here, _babe," _Chris says almost mockingly, resting a hand on Darren's shoulder.__

"It is kinda hot. Not gonna lie." Darren pulls Chris' cock out of his underwear and starts to jerk him off. 

"Oh, ohh, fuck," Chris moans when Darren swipes his thumb across the head.

"You like that, huh? Want me to blow you, baby?"

"Fuck yes, but first." Chris kisses him again, sliding his tongue into Darren's mouth.

Darren eagerly returns it, still working Chris over. Then he breaks away, dropping to his knees in front of Chris.

Darren licks at the head of Chris' cock and steadies his hand at the base as he looks up at him, struck at how beautiful he always looks like this: his head thrown back, mouth hanging open, and eyes falling shut.

He briefly wonders if he'll ever be afforded this sight again, but then he resumes the task of pleasing Chris.

Darren massages Chris' balls, the way he knows Chris likes, and takes the shaft down his throat slowly.

Chris digs his fingers into Darren's curls, which spurs Darren on to suck harder. "Ugh, Dare, so fucking good. Missed this too. Ahh."

Darren feels his own arousal growing at the praise but ignores it in favor of bobbing his head up and down and tasting Chris' precome dripping onto his tongue.

Darren traces his thumb along the underside of Chris' dick, causing him to groan and thrust into Darren's mouth.

"S-sorry," Chris apologizes, soothing his fingers through Darren's hair.

Darren blinks twice in assurance that he's okay with it and Chris fucks his throat a few times before squeezing Darren's shoulder, signaling that he's about to come.

Darren blinks twice again, his eyes tearing up as Chris thrusts harder and then releases down his throat.

It's salty and thick but Darren swallows as much as he can so they don't make too much of a mess. 

Darren pulls off once Chris is done, wiping his mouth with his hand and palming himself.

"Mmm, wish you could fuck me," Chris says, urging him on. "You look so hot like this."

Darren unbuttons his own pants, quickly jerking himself off until he spills all over his fist and cries out Chris' name. Then he stays on his knees for a little while, catching his breath.

Chris breaks the silence between them. "Unhh, baby. C'mere."

Darren awkwardly wipes his hand on his shirt and puts himself back together before he stands up.

"It's always been you, I swear. I'm gonna fix us."

"Then come home with me."

"I can't," Chris tells him, zipping himself up.

Darren's heart twists in his chest at the rejection. "And I can't live like this. I don't want to be your whore, Chris."

"You're not, and I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but you're not exactly innocent in all this."

"Wow, apologizing and blaming me in the same breath. That's really fucking awesome. I didn't make the choice to cheat on anyone and I wasn't the one who broke us up."

"True, but I will take responsibility for my actions. I'm handling it."

"You're doing a pretty shitty job of that, by the way. You pull me back in your orbit and expect me to wait for you. How long am I supposed to keep waiting?"

"Fine." Chris sighs. "I'll stay here with you."

"I don't want your pity."

"Well, I don't want to fight with you. I'll talk to Lea and we'll stay."

"Maybe you should reconsider. Your boyfriend's probably waiting up for you anyway," Darren spits out angrily.

"Hey, don't be nasty. I'm trying to compromise with you, Dare." 

"In other words, all you're doing is putting a band-aid on it."

Chris wraps his arms around Darren in a tight embrace. "I'll do something, but not tonight. I'm not leaving you like this."

Darren blinks back tears, wondering how their relationship broke down so horribly. "Why the fuck not? Wouldn't be the first time." 

"Because I don't want us to hurt each other anymore."

With that, Darren hugs him back, holding onto Chris' waist. "I don't want that either. I'm sure Lea would be okay with us crashing here."

They stay there for a moment, breathing each other in and letting the rest of the world fall away, until Chris kisses his temple and announces he's going to find Lea.

Darren steps back as Chris slips out the door.

Darren goes to wash up in the en suite bathroom, contemplating whether this is a new beginning for them, or the beginning of the end, yet again.

\----

After Chris comes back, they cuddle and fall asleep together. Darren feels a warm comfort wash over him for the first time in months, like they're right where they belong again.

But Darren is unsure if the quiet moments are worth the storm that always swirls before them.

Darren wakes up first and takes a moment to watch Chris sleep. When they were together, Chris was usually the one who woke up first, playfully nudging Darren to get his ass out of bed before he was late. Darren would pull Chris in for a kiss, which would turn into two or three, or even more than that, and then they would both be late.

This time, however, Darren simply observes a shirtless Chris peacefully laying on his stomach. From his cute little nose to the sharp jut of his jaw dotted with a slight growth of stubble, he looks so gorgeous and so much more mature than when they met. Darren longs to trace every laugh line and kiss every age spot as he personally watches Chris grow.

Their future lies in Chris' hands right now, though, and all he can do is hope that Chris makes the right decision, unless Darren finds a way to take control of the situation.

Darren traces down Chris' back, and notices a smile gracing Chris' face.

Then he stirs, his eyelashes fluttering open.

"Hey," Chris says quietly, still smiling.

"Hi."

"You okay?"

Darren shakes his head. 

Chris frowns, caressing Darren's cheek. "What's wrong?"

"I-I love you so much, but all I keep doing is giving and giving. I don't know if--"

"If you're saying what I think you're about to say, don't."

His legs tangle with Chris' own. "I'm just saying that I don't want you halfway, Chris. If you can't be with me--"

"I am with you."

"You know what I mean." He brushes his lips against Chris' shoulder, pressing his body closer. "Shit, you think we would have learned by now that we can't do this."

"We're older, Dare. Doesn't mean we're wiser," Chris chuckles.

"Are you saying that maybe we should be unwise for a little longer?"

"Sounds good to me."

\----

They share some heated goodbye kisses and then they leave, separately.

Darren texts Lea when he gets home, thanking her for letting him stay.

She replies with:

_Glad I could return the favor <333 So what's up with you and Chris?_

_I don't even know anymore. It's fucking complicated,_ he answers with a sigh.

_Then uncomplicate it :P You guys love each other. You can work it out._

_I'm not so sure._

He could practically see Lea frowning at him when she says:

_Why? What's wrong??_

_Ask him,_ Darren responds with a sneer.

_You need to learn how to talk to him._

Darren realizes how fucking right she is, and if he hasn't learned how to communicate with Chris properly by now, maybe he never will.

\----

They seem to communicate fairly well when they're working, however, nailing the longing glances and fleeting touches that will undoubtedly lead to Kurt and Blaine's reunion.

Chris holds his hand and softly smiles at him, even for a few beats after the cameras stop rolling, which Darren appreciates.

But they get caught up in filming and let another week pass without talking about how their own relationship will move forward.

They continue hooking up but haven't officially started dating again.

When Darren debates turning to an ex for some vindictive form of comfort, he realizes he'll only complicate the situation even more, especially since Chris is still with the man who he should have broken up with by now.

So Darren interrupts their makeout session in Chris' trailer with an honest question.

"Who are you cheating on, him or me?" 

"Wh--?" Chris starts, eyes still wonderfully hazy from Darren's skilled tongue.

"You're still with that douchebag, even though you told me you loved me." He squeezes Chris' hips. "I've been with you long before he showed up. I'm with you right now, but you still won't come home with me. Who are you really with, this guy or me?"

Chris shifts his gaze away from Darren. "I don't know. I need to think about it."

"What's there to think about? You can't keep stringing me along. I know who I want. I've known it for three years. I don't understand how it's so fucking difficult for you. Why? Because you've spent a few months with some other guy who couldn't even respect our relationship? I don't think he even waited for my side of the bed to get cold before he--"

Chris grabs Darren's face. "Stop. Just stop. It's not his fault. None of this is his fault. It's mine. We were broken before I even gave him the time of day. We still are. A few words and some handjobs aren't going to fix it."

Darren bites his lip in frustration. "Y'know, I'm beginning to think you don't wanna fix it. You just wanted me to get you off a couple more times before you never had to see me again. You're saying goodbye to your past so you can ride off into the sunset with him."

"That's--That's not true. I never wanted--I never expected this to happen. I told myself I wasn't gonna get involved with you, ever, and then there were real feelings. Then we started fighting and it all turned to shit and--"

Darren's fingers shake as he pries Chris' hands off of him. "Yeah, you're damn right it did, because you couldn't support me. You never could, even at the beginning when I was on Broadway. You had no reason not to show up. Fuck, I'm lucky you even called me while I was away."

Chris blanches, his pretty spit-slick lips forming a hard line. "We were just starting out. I was scared. I couldn't risk anyone seeing. Thanks for throwing that in my face, Darren."

Darren wants to sweep him into his arms and reassure him that he can forgive him, but he's not sure he can. "You're always worried about what people see. Can't you just relax?"

"Huh," Chris chuckles wryly. "I should say the same to you, Mr. I Serenaded Women on Stage Every Night for Two Months."

"You are the last one who should be jealous, especially since I was committed to you. It's called playing a role."

"Didn't know you had to play yourself."

Darren's stomach drops as he backs away from him. "So this isn't about him. It's about me. You don't think I'll change. That's why you won't leave him."

Chris steps closer, reaching out but not touching him. "I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"But you meant it."

"Dare--" Chris takes his hand.

Darren wrenches out of his grip, despite how wrong it feels to let Chris go. "Don't. Please. If you still can't trust me, then I have my answer. I thought you knew me better than that by now."

"Maybe I never knew you at all," Chris says, his tone colored with unmistakable sadness.

"Maybe I never knew you either."

Darren brushes past him and races to his car. Once inside, he doesn't move, letting the tears fall once again as he realizes Chris isn't his anymore.

Perhaps he never really was.

\----

Darren stops seeing Chris outside of work and they don't discuss their relationship any further. 

Darren's always been good with compartmentalizing his characters from himself, but it becomes increasingly difficult as Kurt and Blaine continue to grow closer.

When he watches Chris _(Kurt)_ get down on one knee and promise forever to him, he doesn't have to fake tears, but they're of mourning rather than of joy.

He fights to survive their marriage ceremony, their first dance as husbands, and of course, their ensuing duet.

As Blaine, his heart overflows at the knowledge that his first love has returned to him, but as Darren, he can't help picturing another scene much like this, before their friends and family, where he pledges to spend the rest of his life with Chris.

Darren needs to bury that future, for good, but he has one more task left before he does.

He knocks on Chris' door when they have a day off from filming, because he figures they should have this conversation face-to-face, no matter how awkward it might be.

"Darren. Hi," Chris says, his posture formal and polite.

"Hey. Can I, um, come in?"

Chris' brows furrow with worry. "Sure. Are you--? How are you?"

Darren steps inside, brushing past him and avoiding the questions. "Just close the door."

Chris does and then spins around to face him. "What's going on? Have you--?"

"Calm down. It's good news."

"Oh. Okay." Chris visibly relaxes and Darren feels a weird sense of calm, despite what he's about to say.

"I know we didn't have sex recently, but, uh, I thought you should know that I'm clean. You don't have to worry about that anymore."

"Oh. That's--That's good. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, it's not something I wanted to say through text or a phone call," Darren chuckles.

"I understand. So, um, do you wanna stay for a little bit longer?" Chris asks, carefully moving closer.

"I-I don't know."

Chris grabs Darren's wrist. "Please. We can celebrate. You can meet Cooper." 

"I probably shouldn't."

"Stay anyway. I miss hanging out with you. We can have some beers and order from your favorite Thai place."

"Chris, don't pretend that--"

"Give me this. Please. Give us this."

Chris rubs the inside of Darren's wrist with his thumb, a private, gentle gesture that always made Darren feel grounded when they were together.

Immediately Darren submits to him once more. "Alright."

Chris smiles but his eyes are shining. "Thank you. I know I have no right--"

"No, you don't."

"You know I still--" Chris starts, his other hand resting on Darren's cheek.

"I know." One of Darren's hands reflexively lands on Chris' waist. "I wish we could get past this."

"Me--me too," Chris gulps and then licks his lips. "Just lemme--"

He breaks off, leaning in for a soft kiss.

Darren raises his eyebrows in surprise, but then quickly kisses back.

Chris pulls him closer, squeezing Darren's wrist and bringing their bodies together.

Darren can feel the tears streaming down Chris' cheeks so he pries Chris' hand off his his wrist and instinctively soothes his thumb under one of Chris' eyes. As Darren lets his hand stray down to Chris' hip, he wants to cry too, with how perfectly they still fit. 

Chris frames Darren's face with his hands and presses Darren against the wall. Then Chris pulls his mouth away to whisper, "I--I want you to fuck me."

"But--"

"Fuck me." Chris' hand slides away so he can mouth at the slight stubble growing along Darren's jaw. "Please."

"Oh, ohh shit. Okay." He rocks his hips against Chris' own. "I-I got you."

"I know," Chris murmurs, his lips trailing down Darren's neck. "I know."

Chris reaches under Darren's shirt, caressing the bare skin of Darren's stomach. 

Darren feels a little self-conscious with how much weight he's gained since the breakup, but Chris doesn't seem to notice and Darren's too turned on to stop, his own hands splaying across Chris' back and underneath his shirt.

Chris slots a leg between Darren's, effectively making them spread apart, which Chris takes as an opportunity to unzip Darren's fly and slip his hand into Darren's boxer-briefs.

"Mmm. Feels so fucking good. Love when you touch me like this," Darren babbles as Chris jacks him off, "but I need more, baby."

"O-Okay. Upstairs?" Chris asks, his forehead against Darren's shoulder.

"Yeah. Yes."

Chris drags Darren up to his bedroom, with Darren awkwardly holding up his pants until they get to their destination.

Darren's eyes widen as he takes Chris' room in for a moment. It looks almost exactly the same as the day he left, minus the rumpled sheets and the man who abandoned him, laying there like he barely gave a fuck.

Chris brings him back to the present with a light touch to his arm. "You okay?"

"I--I don't know."

"C'mere." Chris takes his shaking hands, leading him onto the bed and peeling Darren's pants and underwear down his legs. "No matter what happens, we have this, okay?"

Darren nods, watching as Chris shimmies out of his own jeans and boxers. 

Soon, they strip each other's shirts off, Chris grinding on top of him and kissing his mouth roughly. 

Darren presses his palm against the small of Chris' back, causing the head of Chris' cock to catch underneath the head of Darren's own.

Darren moans low in his throat as Chris gropes toward his nightstand, pulling out the necessary supplies.

"Want you so much," Chris confesses, kissing the corner of his mouth before he sits up and opens the bottle of lube.

Chris' eyes darken as he rubs the substance between his fingertips, his gaze never leaving Darren's, even as he slides down Darren's thighs and spreads his own legs.

"Fuck," Darren curses while Chris reaches behind himself and presses a finger inside. "You're so fucking hot."

Chris winces, working himself open, and Darren can't help squeezing some lube out and stroking himself.

Chris keeps on, adding another finger and then one more, his cock jutting out in front of him so beautifully.

Darren feels his own cock dripping with precome, so he searches the mattress for a condom as Chris pulls out.

But Chris shakes his head and grabs Darren's free hand. "I don't want to. You're clean. I promise I'm clean too. Let's just not."

Darren pulls him in for a kiss, trying not to think about how that trust doesn't extend to other circumstances. Instead, he focuses on how Chris wraps his hand around him, jerking him off a little more until he's completely erect.

Chris' tongue glides into his mouth but then he breaks away to bite Darren's upper lip and declare, "Gonna ride you."

"Fuck yes," Darren replies enthusiastically as Chris sits back up, slowly guiding himself down onto Darren.

When Chris is fully seated, his ass brushing against Darren's balls, it's so goddamn tight that Darren grips Chris' hips and catches his breath, trying not to come.

"Dare, unhh. Gonna move now."

"'Kay. Do it, babe."

Chris rises up, inch by inch, and then back down again and again, sweat dripping down his thighs as he builds a rhythm.

Darren strains up to meet him, thrusting up when Chris pushes down.

"Fuck, baby," Darren exclaims as he jerks Chris off. "So gorgeous. Wanna make you come so bad."

"You too," Chris grunts. "Need to see your face."

Chris bends down, groaning at the change in angle, and Darren forces his eyes to stay open, fixed on Chris' bright blues while he keeps working himself on Darren's dick.

He wants to see Chris' face too, so he doesn't forget this.

"Gonna..." Chris trails off, resting his forehead against Darren's own.

"Yeah. C'mon," Darren encourages, swiping his thumb across the head of Chris' cock, which usually works when he's close.

It doesn't fail this time, either, as Chris spills over his fist, whispering, "Love you, Dare."

"Love you too," Darren quickly returns, waiting until Chris comes down to flip them over and thrust wildly into his spent body. "Love you so fucking much."

Darren grunts out a few more times and then releases inside Chris, collapsing onto his bare chest.

Chris pets through Darren's hair and kisses the top of Darren's head, letting silence blanket them.

As much as Darren wishes they could stay like this forever, he can't ignore how they've been treating each other.

Darren exhales, pulling out but staying where he is. "I don't wanna let you go."

"Then don't," Chris says softly, lips ghosting over Darren's shoulder.

"Why? Isn't that what this was? One more fucked up attempt at closure," Darren replies, rolling off of Chris and turning on his side.

Chris snuggles against him, wrapping his arms around Darren's middle. "Maybe we can start over now."

"I don't see how. All we do is fight and screw around, and then fight some more. I'm fucking tired of it. We haven't fixed a goddamn thing."

"Because you won't listen to me."

Darren spins to face Chris. "This is exactly what I mean. We can't force this into working, no matter how much we want it to. We have to move on."

Chris studies Darren's face. "Is this some vicious payback for how I ended things before? Because--"

"No. It's me realizing you were right. A few words and some handjobs can't fix us."

Chris still holds tight to Darren. "So you're just gonna leave?"

"No, I won't. Not this time." Darren cups Chris' cheek. "We need to get clean, don't we?"

"I don't feel like moving," Chris groans.

"Towels are still in the bathroom closet, yeah?"

"Uh huh. Where else would they be?" Chris laughs quietly.

Darren laughs too. "Point taken. Be right back, okay?"

Chris nods and Darren kisses the middle of his forehead before walking over to Chris' bathroom.

Once there, he grips the vanity with both hands, a fresh wave of grief welling up inside him. This time, Chris wasn't ripped away from him but that doesn't make the situation feel any better.

Despite what he said, it doesn't feel like closure or healing; he should head back in there and tell Chris he was wrong and they can work.

But maybe they can't; maybe they weren't meant to.

This way, Chris can be free to move forward without all this complicated shit tying him down, and Darren can stop resenting Chris for his behavior.

Darren tells himself that this is the best solution as he dampens a washcloth and gently cleans Chris off, and as his lips meet Chris' once more.

From there, he throws the cloth aside and kisses down Chris' body, telling him to flip over.

Then he mouths down Chris' back, tracing over every freckle and scar, until his tongue lands on the crack of Chris' ass.

"Can I--Can I taste you?" Darren asks quietly, a hand resting on one of Chris' ass cheeks.

"Uh huh," comes Chris' muffled reply.

Darren scoots down the bed, parting Chris' legs a little. "C'mon, open up for me, babe."

Chris spreads his legs some more and Darren presses his thumb against Chris' asshole.

"Y'know, I missed this part, fingering you, getting you ready for my cock. It's so hot, watching you take it, like you were made to do it." He rubs a finger around the rim.

Chris grinds against the mattress and pleads, "Ugh, Dare," his voice deliciously low and husky.

"'Course you're already prepped and waiting for me to tongue fuck you now, so I guess I don't have to do that part."

So Darren pulls his cheeks apart, opening his mouth wide over Chris' asshole and placing sloppy, wet kisses around it.

"Ohh, ohh. Yeah," Chris moans.

Darren kisses him some more in response, licking around his hole and up the crack.

"Fuck, baby," Chris whispers. "M-more."

"Don't worry," Darren murmurs against his skin. "I remember how you like it."

He licks back down to the rim, circling around and around before dipping his tongue inside.

"Yeah, unhh," Chris grunts, rubbing against the bed once more.

Darren can feel his own erection springing to life, but he ignores it in favor of burying his face in Chris' ass and wrapping a hand around Chris' cock.

He flattens his tongue over Chris' asshole and jerks him harder.

"Shit, I'm almost, I'm gonna--" Chris warns.

Darren manages to slide a finger inside of Chris and he must've hit that spot because Chris cries out, his cock dribbling precome.

Darren licks and kisses some more, spit dripping down his chin as he thrusts in and out.

"God, Darren, holy fucking shit," Chris curses, reaching his release.

Darren pulls out, continuing to work Chris over, even as he goes soft and relaxes. Then Darren takes his hand and mouth away, gripping Chris' hips and rubbing his dick along Chris' crack until he comes all over Chris' back.

Darren laughs out an apology, cleaning Chris off yet again and laying flat on his back next to him. 

Chris smacks his arm, clinging to Darren's side and teasing him about how he should be doing Chris' laundry.

"It's your fault my sheets are dirty. Do you know how hard it is to get that stuff out of fabric?"

"I do. Remember that time on set when we--?"

"Yeah." Chris' loud and boisterous laugh fills the whole room, and it feels almost like they're a couple again.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too, Darren."

With that, Darren kisses him softly, remembering lazy days off when Darren would convince him to put off writing and stay in bed a little longer. Then Darren would try to make breakfast and they'd make out a little more on the couch.

But those days are gone.

"Will you stay?" Chris asks almost shyly when they part. "For the night, I mean."

"What about--?"

"Don't worry about anything or anyone else. Right now, I'm asking you to stay."

Darren swallows, tears filling his eyes as he wonders where this concern was when they broke up. 

"Band-aid, Chris," Darren reminds him.

"I know. I'm gonna miss you. I don't want to let you go, either."

"I'll be here. I just won't be here," he says, turning on his side and kissing Chris' shoulder, "or here," then his neck, "or here," and then his jaw, "and it's gonna fucking suck, but eventually, we'll be okay."

Darren knows it's a lie; he won't be okay, but he'll survive.

There are no other options; he can't fuck around like this anymore.

"In other words, you're--you're making me choose," Chris groans when Darren finds that spot behind his ear. "Asshole."

"I don't hear you refuting me, _babe._ We can't keep going in circles like this."

"A-after tonight."

Darren crawls on top of him, feeling the slight stickiness on Chris' belly. "After tonight."

\----

Darren doesn't sleep; instead he watches Chris laying on his side, eyes closed and mouth hanging open.

Darren turns on his side, facing away from Chris, but scoots back against him, Chris' naked front snug against his backside.

Chris hums, resting his arms low on Darren's belly, the way he's done so many times before.

How is Darren going to let him go?

Then, he remembers how Chris had abandoned him and still refuses to support him in any way that matters, and he has his heartbreaking answer.

 _His_ Chris had moved on ages ago; he should make an honest attempt to do so as well.

"You leaving?" Chris murmurs against his neck.

"Soon," he swallows, wanting to pull away and stay close at the same time.

Chris mouths at the base of Darren's neck. "Don't."

"I have to. I should."

"You've never been great at doing what you should," Chris points out, his teeth scraping over a spot he declared as one of his favorites early on in their relationship.

"Ugh, Chris, I--I can't."

"C'mon. I--"

"Don't you wanna kick me out before he shows up?" Darren returns harshly, knowing how it will hurt Chris.

As expected, Chris recoils. "That doesn't matter to you, does it?"

Darren spins to look at him. "No, but it should to you. Y'know, since we're not--since we're officially done and all."

"What if I don't wanna be?"

"I didn't wanna be when you forced me out months ago, but hey, here we are."

"Using my own dirty tricks against me. I see."

"If--if that's what it takes."

"Fine," Chris replies coldly, curling in on himself. "Since you're so determined to let me go."

Darren wants to reach out and hold him, but he won't give in this time. "No, you're determined to let me go. You have been since we broke up, but I just didn't want to see it, so I let you draw me back in, hoping we could get back what we had before. It's clear that's not gonna happen."

Darren sits up, ready to gather his clothes and leave, but Chris surprises him, grabbing his wrist.

"Wait, Darren. Don't--Not like this."

Chris shoots up, his eyes soft and searching into Darren's own.

Darren pauses, thinking of what to say or do to make this easier, but he settles on, "Goodbye, Chris."

Chris lets go of him with a sigh. "Goodbye. I just want you-- I want _us_ to be happy."

Darren finally rises from the bed and picks up his clothes, quickly looking back as he throws his shirt on. "Maybe now we can be."

\----

Darren keeps wondering if he made the right choice, as he watches Chris seemingly content and laughing the day they wrap filming, and again at the party that weekend at Ryan's house.

Of course, Chris corners Darren and they almost fall back into their old pattern.

But Darren lets him go and goes home alone.

He drinks some more after that, trying to figure out how he can heal from this. 

Maybe it's time for a change.

**Author's Note:**

> I promise this is not the last part.


End file.
